Do you know that feeling that you get in the pit of your stomach? The one that makes you want to cry, scream, curl up in a fetal position and vomit all at the same time? I have been struggling with just those feelings since I returned from Rochester. The big A. Anxiety. Things aren't always (actually rarely ever) idyllic in the life of us. Finances are bad, Joe's boss is being difficult("I don't consider anyone who works less than 60 hrs a week to be full time")which stresses Joe out, which stresses me out, which stresses Joe out. My relationship with my family isn't what I'd like it to be. My relationship with God isn't what I want it to be...so the scriptures about anxiety that I want to remind myself of, fall a bit flat. Not because I don't believe that they are true, but how can they be true for me, when I am such a screw up? Which causes me shame, which causes me to not want to go to God with my fears because I don't want to "use" Him. I mean I've read "boundaries", and "safe people"-I am not a safe person; even for God. I know, skewed thinking. And so there is the dirty little cycle of my psyche.
Thus that yucky feeling.
About Me
- tomirose
- I'm a wife of a wonderful man, mom to three awesome children. I like to laugh, encourage, and I would love to write. I think community is a wonderful thing, and I'd like people to be less cynical about church, not THE church, but the institution that we call the church. I think soul patches, piercings and tattoos are kinda cool; attitudes are not. Sometimes I lie in bed and think about weird things.. like why I like the taste of bubblemint gum, but despise the taste of our youngest son's bubblemint flavored toothpaste, or if our older children have already met their future spouses, how amazing it is that I've been married to the same man for thirty-two years, and why dryer lint looks the way it does. I hate having cold feet, being too hot, and stubbing my pinkie toe. I like to read pretty much anything but angsty poetry, well no I lied..not about the angsty poetry, but I don't much like to read biographies either. Laundry is the bane of my existence, along with cleaning out the refrigerator, and just plain cleaning.
2 comments:
preach, sista.
preach.
Foppuz, I have had that yucky feeling many times. I hate it. I also have that feeling of why would God want to help a screw up like me. I know that he does though. I'll save you the bible verses because I know you already know the truth and are just in a hard place right now.
Thanks for sharing something so personal with us.
I'm too am praying for you.
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