Listless

I realize that I am not a habitual list maker. The times that I consistently make them are prior to going on a trip (which is approximately bi-annually). I write the things that I am afraid I will forget, and then end up needing something that wasn't even on the list to begin with. Sometimes I make grocery lists. These usually end up on the back of a State Farm Insurance envelope or on the premium notice itself. This is crammed into my purse and then I forget to look at it while at the store. Oft times I am amazed that I remembered everything on the list anyway, along with some additions; last week I came home with some lovely dark chocolate infused with chili peppers.
I tend to try to remember things rather than write them down. I think sub-consciously I want to exercise my memory and reassure myself that I am not entering early dementia as my brother Kerry did. I will rattle of dates and amounts of bills due to Joe; he will comment something to the effect, that he won't remember and that he needs to see it on paper. This can annoy me; I feel like he is shutting me down and not trying to remember. I don't think I let the irritation show-very often.
I balk at the idea of list making because it seems so mainstream and too much like goal setting. However, while pondering this I realize I am very list driven at work. I rely on my work queue to make sure I get everything done. In fact, I write a list each shift of the things I need to do for the patients assigned to me at both 0400 and 0600. I then find a great deal of satisfaction drawing a bold line through each item after I document it in the electronic chart. Perhaps I am more goal oriented than I realize...at least when big brother is watching.
Although lists are not a bad thing; I fear I view them as an authority figure. I have issues with authority. I fear doing wrong, or inadvertently breaking the rules. Someone somewhere is keeping a list of all the mistakes I make, and keeping a scorecard to boot. What if I don't do anything on a list I've created? Another failure to be catalogued and remembered by"someone".
And so I prefer to be list-less, keeping mainly to the mental lists of should've, would've, could'ves that are only apparent (at least I'd like to believe) to me.